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My Name Is Jesi...I Am An Imperfect Human

I had an interaction yesterday evening (right before going to sleep—people, don’t look at your phone before bed!) that derailed me. A DM (direct message) in my Instagram put me into the Sympathetic Nervous System. I could feel it happening. As I read the message, from a former blue door member, my heart dropped, my breathing got irregular, my stomach balled up, my vision got narrowed. All the clues that you have moved from one nervous system into the next happened. And I couldn’t do a darn thing to stop it.

This student was hurt by something I had written in one of my previous blogs. They reached out to me when it happened. I apologized for being insensitive and promised to do better. Yesterday, they DM’d me to let me know that it wasn’t resolved, and it was still bothering them. And to unfollow them. I, again, apologized and said I was trying to be a better person regarding the issue, and I wouldn’t bother/upset them again and I would unfollow.

I tried to breathe through what I was feeling, but I knew it was going to disturb my sleep. And it did. I woke up this morning, still feeling the weight of this interaction, and wondered what I did wrong. After some reflection, I realized I didn’t do anything wrong. I did the best I could with who I am right now.

I DM’d this student again and explained this. I ALWAYS try to move from a space of kindness and ask the same of everyone in my life. I don't always get it right, but I will always try to make it as right as I can with who I am in the moment. As I always say, “you cannot control anything except your reaction to a situation.” I didn’t listen to my own advice, but I will now. I am an imperfect human being navigating this thing called life.



April 16, 2023


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